The Question of LOVE: intro

Jo, I have been trying to reconstruct the context for the reason I asked whether what you feel for C. is “Love”. . .

I am certain it was a momentary (free-?) association: but such ‘riffs’ are not purely “free”. . .

that is just the quirk/fluke? of my brain: little sparks FLASH suddenly, linking or collaging 2 or 3 subjects, I blurt out my (hare-brained) question or response, and then it evaporates. . .

so it is difficult now to say precisely WHY or HOW such a touchy question came up. . .

We had been talking about Frankenstein (the novel), and how heart-breaking it was for you to try to re-read it under these conditions (life with a C.)— considering the creator’s initial revulsion towards his creature, and the latter’s agonies of rejection. . . AND both their FATES!!.. . .

Although I have a niece, and held her in my arms as she slept when she was an infant, I had almost NO contact with her as she grew up. . .

AND, when I lived in Liege, though I babysat for Terry Fox’s 6-year old daughter (‘way-back-when!!’), she was not my responsibility (after 6 or 7 hours, I could GO HOME). . .

My only experience of being a ‘parent’ (apparent?) has been the responsibility for 2 CATS: (both of which I: dearly LOVED;ADORED; DEPENDED-on; and, eventually, watched die). . . Yet my experiences are obviously NOT comparable to ‘having a C.’:

C. is YOUR ‘creation’/’creature’??—(anyway, literally!) Yes—this must have been the matrix (which is ‘mama’!)/birth of my question:

What IS it LIKE to be ‘in a relationship’ with/ to be response-able FOR/ to have given LIFE to such a creature as a C.?

. . . does the usual notion of LOVE even apply? Are you automatically overtaken by adoration, tenderness, respect, passion, kindness} for C.?

. . . Is it a need to: protect/to RESPOND to his need? . . .That is: IS it LOVE?
. . . or WHAT IS love??

Father Dreams:

1) Jo. . . I had so little sleep last night that I was able to take a 2-hour dayNap. . . at some point, I was awakened (or OVERtaken?) by the feeling—no, the certainty—that my father was here, asleep with my mother in their bedroom. . . I thought: this is REAL— he IS alive—and when I got out of bed and walked down the hallway and peered into their room. . .YES, he was there…andTHEN I woke up…I hopeYou & C. are WELL! (is he over his illness?)

Mata ne! Ron

2) I see it is 3AM on the clock in the bedroom in the picture of the dream in the book. . . that is my usual bedtime now (unless it is 4 or even 5). . . I dream of my father often, and always know he is a ghost. . . he was LIKE a ghost months before he died. . . taking sleeping pills and invariably wandering into my room at 1 or 2 AM to sit in the chair at the foot of my

bed (placed there for him), half-asleep. . . maybe a haunting??

3) I have had close to a dozen Father-is-Alive-and- Well dreams: they are always disorienting, and make me feel sad and a bit frightened. . .WELL, even though I can never successfully interact with my father in those dreams, I DO get to SEE him (and that was often the way of our non-dream relationship, too)

SHRINE/relics

2017-09-11 19.39.54

(the last items of food my father requested a day or two before his final hospitalization. . . on the shelf in the pantry, untouched for 6 years now)