“Doctor, My Eyes”

“…’Cause I have wandered through this world/And as each moment has unfurled/I’ve been waiting to awaken from these dreams…” (Jackson Browne)

This morning, just before the RINGING of the doorbell awakened me, I dreamt that I was with my mother and dead father in this house (I believe it was either in their bedroom, or in the kitchen)….my father must have been in his early 50’s, judging from my ‘view’ of his face (no grey hair) and the timbre of his voice….listening to him speak, I felt that I had never noticed how compassionate and kind he was (but WHY the sense of never having noticed this ‘before’ ?)…..I contorted my torso and neck in order to kiss him on his left cheek (it was an oddly difficult manoeuver), but I was able to kiss him (did I murmur: “I love you, Dad” ?)…….I felt like crying, felt acute sadness and REGRET………(I feel LOST)….

“He felt no fatigue, except sometimes it annoyed him that he could not walk on his head.” (Lenz, by Buchner)

“My [upside down] World, and Welcome To It” (Thurber): So much of my life has turned upside down these past 7 years since my father died, since I began caring for my mother…no more long walks/I rarely even leave the house, and have no friends in L.A.; no more sleeping at night/I take day naps, and  average only 3 hours at that; no more health/I feel exhausted and sick almost every day………and what will happen after my mother dies? Will my feet ever touch the ground again?

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Books/Momversations

S: “Ron! Ron! Can you come here quick?!”

R: “Yes, Mom, what’s going on? What is it!?” [I was in my room and heard her yelling my name]

S: “Can you help me out of bed? I need to get a book out of the library!”………….

Love and weening

Ron, I know how you feel. . . I mean about your mother dying.

When I think about C. dying I cannot even begin to describe my devestation. Of course it
is different: we (C+J) are one the opposite end of the bell-curve that is life. (Me dying first is a better analogy, though a different perspective— until I saw how well C. does without me the thought of leaving him while he still needed me was even more devestating!)

On the other hand—this week of freedom from C. has been amazing. It feels like I got my life back: friends, art, performances, work, parties, sex—suddenly all that is possible again!

Or even just watching a movie or reading with the light on. . . or sleep. . .

We will reconnect in two days time and in a way I cannot wait. BUT I am still producing milk (some)! What to do? Will things just go back to me be his cow? Will it never end?

But since he seems to be fine with getting comfort and nourishment from other sources, I might have a solution: Maybe I could order a large busted sex doll and put some milk in her breasts (in bottles maybe?). If he goes for that it would be a great leap forward in terms of me being allowed adequate amounts of sleep.

 

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The Question of LOVE: intro

Jo, I have been trying to reconstruct the context for the reason I asked whether what you feel for C. is “Love”. . .

I am certain it was a momentary (free-?) association: but such ‘riffs’ are not purely “free”. . .

that is just the quirk/fluke? of my brain: little sparks FLASH suddenly, linking or collaging 2 or 3 subjects, I blurt out my (hare-brained) question or response, and then it evaporates. . .

so it is difficult now to say precisely WHY or HOW such a touchy question came up. . .

We had been talking about Frankenstein (the novel), and how heart-breaking it was for you to try to re-read it under these conditions (life with a C.)— considering the creator’s initial revulsion towards his creature, and the latter’s agonies of rejection. . . AND both their FATES!!.. . .

Although I have a niece, and held her in my arms as she slept when she was an infant, I had almost NO contact with her as she grew up. . .

AND, when I lived in Liege, though I babysat for Terry Fox’s 6-year old daughter (‘way-back-when!!’), she was not my responsibility (after 6 or 7 hours, I could GO HOME). . .

My only experience of being a ‘parent’ (apparent?) has been the responsibility for 2 CATS: (both of which I: dearly LOVED;ADORED; DEPENDED-on; and, eventually, watched die). . . Yet my experiences are obviously NOT comparable to ‘having a C.’:

C. is YOUR ‘creation’/’creature’??—(anyway, literally!) Yes—this must have been the matrix (which is ‘mama’!)/birth of my question:

What IS it LIKE to be ‘in a relationship’ with/ to be response-able FOR/ to have given LIFE to such a creature as a C.?

. . . does the usual notion of LOVE even apply? Are you automatically overtaken by adoration, tenderness, respect, passion, kindness} for C.?

. . . Is it a need to: protect/to RESPOND to his need? . . .That is: IS it LOVE?
. . . or WHAT IS love??

Father Dreams:

1) Jo. . . I had so little sleep last night that I was able to take a 2-hour dayNap. . . at some point, I was awakened (or OVERtaken?) by the feeling—no, the certainty—that my father was here, asleep with my mother in their bedroom. . . I thought: this is REAL— he IS alive—and when I got out of bed and walked down the hallway and peered into their room. . .YES, he was there…andTHEN I woke up…I hopeYou & C. are WELL! (is he over his illness?)

Mata ne! Ron

2) I see it is 3AM on the clock in the bedroom in the picture of the dream in the book. . . that is my usual bedtime now (unless it is 4 or even 5). . . I dream of my father often, and always know he is a ghost. . . he was LIKE a ghost months before he died. . . taking sleeping pills and invariably wandering into my room at 1 or 2 AM to sit in the chair at the foot of my

bed (placed there for him), half-asleep. . . maybe a haunting??

3) I have had close to a dozen Father-is-Alive-and- Well dreams: they are always disorienting, and make me feel sad and a bit frightened. . .WELL, even though I can never successfully interact with my father in those dreams, I DO get to SEE him (and that was often the way of our non-dream relationship, too)

SHRINE/relics

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(the last items of food my father requested a day or two before his final hospitalization. . . on the shelf in the pantry, untouched for 6 years now)