“Doctor, My Eyes”

“…’Cause I have wandered through this world/And as each moment has unfurled/I’ve been waiting to awaken from these dreams…” (Jackson Browne)

This morning, just before the RINGING of the doorbell awakened me, I dreamt that I was with my mother and dead father in this house (I believe it was either in their bedroom, or in the kitchen)….my father must have been in his early 50’s, judging from my ‘view’ of his face (no grey hair) and the timbre of his voice….listening to him speak, I felt that I had never noticed how compassionate and kind he was (but WHY the sense of never having noticed this ‘before’ ?)…..I contorted my torso and neck in order to kiss him on his left cheek (it was an oddly difficult manoeuver), but I was able to kiss him (did I murmur: “I love you, Dad” ?)…….I felt like crying, felt acute sadness and REGRET………(I feel LOST)….

“He felt no fatigue, except sometimes it annoyed him that he could not walk on his head.” (Lenz, by Buchner)

“My [upside down] World, and Welcome To It” (Thurber): So much of my life has turned upside down these past 7 years since my father died, since I began caring for my mother…no more long walks/I rarely even leave the house, and have no friends in L.A.; no more sleeping at night/I take day naps, and  average only 3 hours at that; no more health/I feel exhausted and sick almost every day………and what will happen after my mother dies? Will my feet ever touch the ground again?

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The Female Scientist

I dreamed I had some sort of job in an important institution. The company was about to open it’s doors to the public, but the building was still under renovation. A gigantic old factory building.

It was difficult for me to get through the triple security gate with my bike. It was made for cars. Got stuck several times.

Finally at my work station a Canadian approached me, he wanted help with an illustration. We got talking and he seemed to think I could do better than this job. I told him of my idea for a sculpture: The female Scientist.

He left briefly and by the time he got back I had finished the illustration and also googled “A Female Scientist”. There was my model, in the first search result: A futuristic glowing construct from a 1920s futurist movie by that name.

The Canadian returned and took some crumpled bills from his pocket and thanked me. I wanted to decline the payment, but he said he had made so much money in Turkey recently, I should keep it. We parted on friendly terms.

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Urban Jungle

C. is growing up in a very urban environment, but there may be more animals around than I thought. Strange how I never realized. He spots them all. Mainly in the windows of betting shops.