“Doctor, My Eyes”

“…’Cause I have wandered through this world/And as each moment has unfurled/I’ve been waiting to awaken from these dreams…” (Jackson Browne)

This morning, just before the RINGING of the doorbell awakened me, I dreamt that I was with my mother and dead father in this house (I believe it was either in their bedroom, or in the kitchen)….my father must have been in his early 50’s, judging from my ‘view’ of his face (no grey hair) and the timbre of his voice….listening to him speak, I felt that I had never noticed how compassionate and kind he was (but WHY the sense of never having noticed this ‘before’ ?)…..I contorted my torso and neck in order to kiss him on his left cheek (it was an oddly difficult manoeuver), but I was able to kiss him (did I murmur: “I love you, Dad” ?)…….I felt like crying, felt acute sadness and REGRET………(I feel LOST)….

“He felt no fatigue, except sometimes it annoyed him that he could not walk on his head.” (Lenz, by Buchner)

“My [upside down] World, and Welcome To It” (Thurber): So much of my life has turned upside down these past 7 years since my father died, since I began caring for my mother…no more long walks/I rarely even leave the house, and have no friends in L.A.; no more sleeping at night/I take day naps, and  average only 3 hours at that; no more health/I feel exhausted and sick almost every day………and what will happen after my mother dies? Will my feet ever touch the ground again?

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Books/Momversations

S: “Ron! Ron! Can you come here quick?!”

R: “Yes, Mom, what’s going on? What is it!?” [I was in my room and heard her yelling my name]

S: “Can you help me out of bed? I need to get a book out of the library!”………….